Thursday, June 29, 2006
A Tribute to Barney Fife!
Almost everyone old enough to drive remembers Don Knotts' s portrayal of the inept Barney Fife on the Andy Griffith Show. Competence was not the strong suit of Deputy Fife—not by a long shot. Whoops! Long shot and Barney just do not go together. Andy restricted Barney to a single bullet for his police issue 38-caliber pistol and the bullet was to be kept in his shirt pocket at all times. “All times” did not include such times as Barney wished to demonstrate his quick draw routine. He invariably shot a bullet into the floor and was required to hand over the weapon to Sheriff Griffith. Now you are probably thinking that no police official could be that incompetent. I personally was acquainted with a campus police “officer” who could have served as a model for Fife. Charlie, not his real name, shot himself in the leg once while reaching for his pistol. Another time, students, removed his flashing lights from the patrol car. Charlie baiting was a favorite pastime of the students. Charlie eventually was forced to turn over his bullets—just like Barney. He really wanted to be a regular police officer, but as you can imagine he just did not meet the minimum qualifications for the job.
On June 22 in Bremerton, Washington, a deputy sheriff was sent out to check on a man who appeared somewhat deranged and had climbed a tree. After trying for a considerable time to talk the man down before he hurt himself or someone else, the deputy decided it was time to resort to more serious tactics than talking. He reached for his Taser, but his hand wound up on his 40-caliber pistol instead. He fired one shot and wounded the tree climber. The bullet sure got his attention. “I’m coming down. I’m coming down.” And down he came before the deputy could fire another Taser. The tree climber is in satisfactory condition and the deputy is on leave. Hopefully, the pistol is locked up.
Meanwhile, about two weeks earlier in Rostov-on-Don, in southern Russia, the local police witnessed a mass brawl just outside the city limits. They arrested about a hundred people, spectators and brawlers. After they hauled everyone down to the station for booking, they discovered they had interrupted a local rugby match. Oh! Well!
Now, you may be wondering if the Barney Fifes of the world every get their man. Sure, lots of times, because the bad guys are more incompetent than the officers of the law are. While Sergeant Roy LeBlanc of Anchorage does not need to be mentioned in the same breath as Barney Fife, a recent arrest on his part illustrates how dumb some criminals are. For several years vandals had been wrecking havoc with some exquisite fish displayed in downtown Anchorage in the Wild Salmon on Parade art exhibition. LeBlanc decided to put a stop to it. He created a “masterpiece” of a COPper Salmon, complete with a badge and handcuffs. He attributed the work to “Joe Friday.” The younger generation must be slipping. A teenage girl and accomplices pilfered the fish and she was soon arrested.
Now, if that doesn’t make you wonder about criminals and vandals, then this will. A couple of years ago, a man walked into a Wal-Mart store wearing a pair of handcuffs and asked to buy a pair of bolt-cutters. Faster than you can say “Jack Sprat” he was back in custody. Or how about those guys with the low-rider jeans. This past winter a guy robbed a savings and loan here in Anchorage and got tripped up on his own pants while trying to make his getaway. And the New York Times has reported that this phenomenon is becoming all too routine. And how about the guy who robbed a bank and when he failed to stop, the police started shooting at him. He fired back. He was captured and placed on trial. He pleaded self-defense. As he explained it to the judge, “They shot at me first!” Duh!
The good thing about all this is that most of the Barney Fifes are good law-abiding citizens. Just don’t trust them with a bullet.
Almost everyone old enough to drive remembers Don Knotts' s portrayal of the inept Barney Fife on the Andy Griffith Show. Competence was not the strong suit of Deputy Fife—not by a long shot. Whoops! Long shot and Barney just do not go together. Andy restricted Barney to a single bullet for his police issue 38-caliber pistol and the bullet was to be kept in his shirt pocket at all times. “All times” did not include such times as Barney wished to demonstrate his quick draw routine. He invariably shot a bullet into the floor and was required to hand over the weapon to Sheriff Griffith. Now you are probably thinking that no police official could be that incompetent. I personally was acquainted with a campus police “officer” who could have served as a model for Fife. Charlie, not his real name, shot himself in the leg once while reaching for his pistol. Another time, students, removed his flashing lights from the patrol car. Charlie baiting was a favorite pastime of the students. Charlie eventually was forced to turn over his bullets—just like Barney. He really wanted to be a regular police officer, but as you can imagine he just did not meet the minimum qualifications for the job.
On June 22 in Bremerton, Washington, a deputy sheriff was sent out to check on a man who appeared somewhat deranged and had climbed a tree. After trying for a considerable time to talk the man down before he hurt himself or someone else, the deputy decided it was time to resort to more serious tactics than talking. He reached for his Taser, but his hand wound up on his 40-caliber pistol instead. He fired one shot and wounded the tree climber. The bullet sure got his attention. “I’m coming down. I’m coming down.” And down he came before the deputy could fire another Taser. The tree climber is in satisfactory condition and the deputy is on leave. Hopefully, the pistol is locked up.
Meanwhile, about two weeks earlier in Rostov-on-Don, in southern Russia, the local police witnessed a mass brawl just outside the city limits. They arrested about a hundred people, spectators and brawlers. After they hauled everyone down to the station for booking, they discovered they had interrupted a local rugby match. Oh! Well!
Now, you may be wondering if the Barney Fifes of the world every get their man. Sure, lots of times, because the bad guys are more incompetent than the officers of the law are. While Sergeant Roy LeBlanc of Anchorage does not need to be mentioned in the same breath as Barney Fife, a recent arrest on his part illustrates how dumb some criminals are. For several years vandals had been wrecking havoc with some exquisite fish displayed in downtown Anchorage in the Wild Salmon on Parade art exhibition. LeBlanc decided to put a stop to it. He created a “masterpiece” of a COPper Salmon, complete with a badge and handcuffs. He attributed the work to “Joe Friday.” The younger generation must be slipping. A teenage girl and accomplices pilfered the fish and she was soon arrested.
Now, if that doesn’t make you wonder about criminals and vandals, then this will. A couple of years ago, a man walked into a Wal-Mart store wearing a pair of handcuffs and asked to buy a pair of bolt-cutters. Faster than you can say “Jack Sprat” he was back in custody. Or how about those guys with the low-rider jeans. This past winter a guy robbed a savings and loan here in Anchorage and got tripped up on his own pants while trying to make his getaway. And the New York Times has reported that this phenomenon is becoming all too routine. And how about the guy who robbed a bank and when he failed to stop, the police started shooting at him. He fired back. He was captured and placed on trial. He pleaded self-defense. As he explained it to the judge, “They shot at me first!” Duh!
The good thing about all this is that most of the Barney Fifes are good law-abiding citizens. Just don’t trust them with a bullet.
Monday, June 26, 2006
The Rise and Fall of Genghis Khan the II
Back in April Thomas Robinson, an accounting professor at the University of Miami, got the shock of his life. No, it was not a summons from the Internal Revenue Department. It was a genealogy report that showed that he was a descendant of Genghis Khan. Yep! The one and the same. There are, of course, 16 million people in Asia who share that same distinction. However, Robinson appeared to be the only American, and probably the only accountant. Robinson had sent off a sample of his DNA for a test and it came back positive for Genghis Khan. Now like many accountants examining a set of books, the old prof thought he smelled a rat. So he had his ”books” checked again. This time the report came back negative. Easy come—easy go!
The startling thing about the report was the 16 million living descendants of the great Khan. I had always had the impression that the guy spent more time on the battlefield than he did in bed. It seems that I was wrong—way wrong. But, it started me to thinking. What is the record for the most children fathered by one man? There is that man of mystery known as Donor 401. He has at least 25 children via a number of women, although he never had sex with any of them. He was a good-looking sperm donor who tanned well. Now we know what women really look for in a man—someone who really tans well.
OK. We will scratch Donor 401 from our list. We are looking for men who knew lots of women in the Biblical definition of “knowing.” The first name that comes to mind is King Solomon who had 700 wives and 300 concubines. In his day that translated into a lot of children. Lots. Centuries later Frederick the Great complained that Solomon had a thousand wives and it was not enough for him. “I, on the other hand, have one and it is too many for me!” So Frederick does not make our short list.
But the champion of them all might well be Wilt Chamberlain. Now Wilt had his picture on a Wheaties Box, but not for “biblical knowledge.” Nope it was for scoring a hundred points in a professional basketball game. However, in A View from Above, his autobiography, he claimed to have had sex with around 20,000 women. Many people question that figure. Chamberlain explained his behavior; “I was just going what was natural—chasing good-looking ladies, whoever they were and wherever they were available.” Old Solomon, the wisest of men, “knew” a thousand women and knew that it was time to quit. Wilt was certainly no Solomon. Now, although no paternity suits were filed against him there must have been a few accidents—maybe a lot. He was certainly not a member of Planned Parenthood. So Wilt gets my vote for fathering the most children. Maybe I am wrong. But one thing is for sure—he was no Frederick the Great.
Back in April Thomas Robinson, an accounting professor at the University of Miami, got the shock of his life. No, it was not a summons from the Internal Revenue Department. It was a genealogy report that showed that he was a descendant of Genghis Khan. Yep! The one and the same. There are, of course, 16 million people in Asia who share that same distinction. However, Robinson appeared to be the only American, and probably the only accountant. Robinson had sent off a sample of his DNA for a test and it came back positive for Genghis Khan. Now like many accountants examining a set of books, the old prof thought he smelled a rat. So he had his ”books” checked again. This time the report came back negative. Easy come—easy go!
The startling thing about the report was the 16 million living descendants of the great Khan. I had always had the impression that the guy spent more time on the battlefield than he did in bed. It seems that I was wrong—way wrong. But, it started me to thinking. What is the record for the most children fathered by one man? There is that man of mystery known as Donor 401. He has at least 25 children via a number of women, although he never had sex with any of them. He was a good-looking sperm donor who tanned well. Now we know what women really look for in a man—someone who really tans well.
OK. We will scratch Donor 401 from our list. We are looking for men who knew lots of women in the Biblical definition of “knowing.” The first name that comes to mind is King Solomon who had 700 wives and 300 concubines. In his day that translated into a lot of children. Lots. Centuries later Frederick the Great complained that Solomon had a thousand wives and it was not enough for him. “I, on the other hand, have one and it is too many for me!” So Frederick does not make our short list.
But the champion of them all might well be Wilt Chamberlain. Now Wilt had his picture on a Wheaties Box, but not for “biblical knowledge.” Nope it was for scoring a hundred points in a professional basketball game. However, in A View from Above, his autobiography, he claimed to have had sex with around 20,000 women. Many people question that figure. Chamberlain explained his behavior; “I was just going what was natural—chasing good-looking ladies, whoever they were and wherever they were available.” Old Solomon, the wisest of men, “knew” a thousand women and knew that it was time to quit. Wilt was certainly no Solomon. Now, although no paternity suits were filed against him there must have been a few accidents—maybe a lot. He was certainly not a member of Planned Parenthood. So Wilt gets my vote for fathering the most children. Maybe I am wrong. But one thing is for sure—he was no Frederick the Great.
