Monday, October 09, 2006
The Kiss of Death!
On Saturday, October 7, a snake charmer in Thailand tried to make it into the Guinness Book of World Records. His task was to kiss more than 11 poisonous snakes to surpass the record set by a Florida resident back in 1999. Now, the record holder had kissed ten cobras plus one king cobra. Ten and one makes eleven. But does that mean that the one king cobra is the equivalent of ten ordinary cobras? It must make some difference because our Thai record challenger decided to up the ante to a total of 19. There was no mention made by the media if there were a king cobra included or not. My guess is that there was no king included. Why take a needless risk. Just tack on a few extra snakes. Better safe than sorry. Also, it would be wise to have a medical emergency team present just in case—which he did. Also, a few extra snake charmers to distract the critters just in case the medic has to step in. One thing is for certain, the medic is not going to get his name in the Guinness Book of World Records no matter what he does. So someone must distract and cage the snakes before he does his thing. So we have a few extra snake charmers to act as rodeo clowns to distract the bull, as the case may be.
So, the next question is what exactly constitutes a kiss. We are certainly not talking about a French kiss. And we are certainly not talking about a teenager’s fumbling first kiss. We are taking about a theoretical definition of a kiss. After all, we can’t put our life at risk to have those Guinness folks question if we really delivered a kiss. But it would help to not have a female judge. After all we can’t have a person saying, “You call that a kiss!” No, we need something that is barely passable as a kiss and yet won’t put the kisser at danger. We are not talking about one of those European kisses on the cheeks either. Snakes don’t like that. What we are talking about is one of those old chivalrous kisses on the hand. Now since snakes don’t have hands, we will have to kiss them on the top of the head. Don’t make eye contact--just a slight dry peck on the scaly head. Now the kiss must be slow. No quick movements allowed unless it is on the part of the medic in waiting. Slowly position yourself and then slowly pucker the lips. Wow! That does sound a tad like that first fumbling teenage kiss. Now press the lips against the snake’s head almost imperceptibly. Say a little prayer and then ever so slowly move away. Take a deep breath and then breathe a sigh of relief. Repeat 18 more times. Somewhere along the way ask yourself, “Is this really worth it. Is this really worth what the Ripley’s Believe it or Not Museum is paying me? What if Hooters got wind of this and already has someone lined up to kiss 20 or so poisonous rattlesnakes? Is this my 15 minutes of fame? Will I really live 15 minutes if I make a mistake? Didn’t Cleopatra die of a snake bite while kissing Mark Antony? No that was afterwards! What am I doing? I should be concentrating on the snakes.”
Khum Chaibuddee did live to set the record. And as of October 8, 2006, it is still intact. He did offer the following advise to onlookers, children and future challengers, “Don’t try this at home!” That thought had never occurred to me.
On Saturday, October 7, a snake charmer in Thailand tried to make it into the Guinness Book of World Records. His task was to kiss more than 11 poisonous snakes to surpass the record set by a Florida resident back in 1999. Now, the record holder had kissed ten cobras plus one king cobra. Ten and one makes eleven. But does that mean that the one king cobra is the equivalent of ten ordinary cobras? It must make some difference because our Thai record challenger decided to up the ante to a total of 19. There was no mention made by the media if there were a king cobra included or not. My guess is that there was no king included. Why take a needless risk. Just tack on a few extra snakes. Better safe than sorry. Also, it would be wise to have a medical emergency team present just in case—which he did. Also, a few extra snake charmers to distract the critters just in case the medic has to step in. One thing is for certain, the medic is not going to get his name in the Guinness Book of World Records no matter what he does. So someone must distract and cage the snakes before he does his thing. So we have a few extra snake charmers to act as rodeo clowns to distract the bull, as the case may be.
So, the next question is what exactly constitutes a kiss. We are certainly not talking about a French kiss. And we are certainly not talking about a teenager’s fumbling first kiss. We are taking about a theoretical definition of a kiss. After all, we can’t put our life at risk to have those Guinness folks question if we really delivered a kiss. But it would help to not have a female judge. After all we can’t have a person saying, “You call that a kiss!” No, we need something that is barely passable as a kiss and yet won’t put the kisser at danger. We are not talking about one of those European kisses on the cheeks either. Snakes don’t like that. What we are talking about is one of those old chivalrous kisses on the hand. Now since snakes don’t have hands, we will have to kiss them on the top of the head. Don’t make eye contact--just a slight dry peck on the scaly head. Now the kiss must be slow. No quick movements allowed unless it is on the part of the medic in waiting. Slowly position yourself and then slowly pucker the lips. Wow! That does sound a tad like that first fumbling teenage kiss. Now press the lips against the snake’s head almost imperceptibly. Say a little prayer and then ever so slowly move away. Take a deep breath and then breathe a sigh of relief. Repeat 18 more times. Somewhere along the way ask yourself, “Is this really worth it. Is this really worth what the Ripley’s Believe it or Not Museum is paying me? What if Hooters got wind of this and already has someone lined up to kiss 20 or so poisonous rattlesnakes? Is this my 15 minutes of fame? Will I really live 15 minutes if I make a mistake? Didn’t Cleopatra die of a snake bite while kissing Mark Antony? No that was afterwards! What am I doing? I should be concentrating on the snakes.”
Khum Chaibuddee did live to set the record. And as of October 8, 2006, it is still intact. He did offer the following advise to onlookers, children and future challengers, “Don’t try this at home!” That thought had never occurred to me.
