Friday, October 27, 2006
Subliminal Fries!
These days the search is on for cheap gas or a cheap gas substitute. Many people are turning to nature for a solution. One Vermont University is turning to manure to produce cheap gas. Did you every hear about a guy (a synonym for a teenage boy) standing behind a mule or a cow with a cigarette lighter or a match waiting for the animal to release its pent up supply of flatulence? If the guy were quick enough with the match or lighter he could create a temporary burst of ambient lighting in the form of a miniature blowtorch. Or maybe you are familiar with the rural practice of heating an outhouse in a rural area. Light a couple of sheets of an old Sears catalog and throw it down one of the holes. Wait a few seconds (don’t rush things unless you want fried parts) and sit down on a nice warm seat. Now if you have never experienced the creature comforts of an outhouse don’t despair. Some people have started collecting them. (Some people will collect almost anything). So there may be one closer than you think.
Two or three decades ago (I can’t remember exactly when.) Mother Earth News printed an article about how to tap into your septic tank for a cheap supply of natural gas. With a few gas fittings and a regulator—whatever that is—and an old tractor inner tube to collect the gas, you could be in business. For less than $10 one could own his own service station without any governmental interference. Remove the filled tube early in the morning and attach to one’s natural gas stove, heater or whatever. With the proper fittings on one’s car, a person could even mosey on down the road. If you try this, be sure and take a spare tube with you since I have no idea how far you could mosey with a single tube. Now, while there are no governmental restrictions on what one can do out behind the barn, be forewarned that a much more sinister force could lying in wait just around the corner—your neighbors. I once knew a man who got a couple of pickup loads of chicken manure and spread it on his lawn. Then the unthinkable happened. It rained. And the manure started to smell—wet chicken manure can emit a horrible smell in case you are not familiar with it. The man in a goodwill gesture toward his neighbors suddenly disappeared for the weekend or maybe it was for several weeks. His neighbors were fit to be tied and probably would have lynched him from the nearest tree if they could have found him. Now here is where the goodwill part comes in. He did not want to see them spend the rest of their lives behind bars. Of course, it is quite probable that the judge would have ruled it justifiable homicide. At some point the man returned long enough to contact a realtor and place his house on the market.
Another approach to saving on gas costs is to burn strange substances in one’s gas tank. A few enterprising people have converted their cars to run on used cooking oil and have driven cross-country to demonstrate that the method does work. One company has started touting an alternative to biofuel. For less than $200 one can create a private gas station, for one’s personal use, of course. The car must have a diesel engine and a special filter to eliminate contaminants in the oil. It is also necessary to drop in a little additive to boost the octane rating. For a few dollars the company will show you how to locate an abundant supply of used cooking oil, which can be converted into automobile fuel for less than 50 cents per gallon. Now what the company does not tell you is that most restaurants have a cooking oil dump somewhere outback and that many of these operations already sell their waste product or have a contract to dispose of it. In fact there are reported cases of thieves who appear in the middle of the night to whisk away the “waste product.” However, there might be an easy way to get one’s hands on a free supply of used cooking oil. While the “free fuel” does not have contaminates, it does emit an odor—the odor of French fries, fish or whatever. Offer to drive around the neighborhood every day at a slack time for the restaurant and promise to spread the addictive aroma of French fries for several square blocks. You know, the subliminal touch. Cinemas used to flash an imperceptible image of popcorn on the screen in a mini-second to create an irresistible urge to head to the concession stand and buy three or four boxes of popcorn. These days it comes in a bucket the size of a wastebasket. The practice has since been banned. But these days, one could pick up a free supply of cooking oil and spread the subliminal message of “eat more French fries” and who would ever know that you are in cohoots with the restaurant. Or who knows? Maybe there is already someone in your neighborhood spreading that subliminal message. Maybe that is the secret behind all those supersize deals.
These days the search is on for cheap gas or a cheap gas substitute. Many people are turning to nature for a solution. One Vermont University is turning to manure to produce cheap gas. Did you every hear about a guy (a synonym for a teenage boy) standing behind a mule or a cow with a cigarette lighter or a match waiting for the animal to release its pent up supply of flatulence? If the guy were quick enough with the match or lighter he could create a temporary burst of ambient lighting in the form of a miniature blowtorch. Or maybe you are familiar with the rural practice of heating an outhouse in a rural area. Light a couple of sheets of an old Sears catalog and throw it down one of the holes. Wait a few seconds (don’t rush things unless you want fried parts) and sit down on a nice warm seat. Now if you have never experienced the creature comforts of an outhouse don’t despair. Some people have started collecting them. (Some people will collect almost anything). So there may be one closer than you think.
Two or three decades ago (I can’t remember exactly when.) Mother Earth News printed an article about how to tap into your septic tank for a cheap supply of natural gas. With a few gas fittings and a regulator—whatever that is—and an old tractor inner tube to collect the gas, you could be in business. For less than $10 one could own his own service station without any governmental interference. Remove the filled tube early in the morning and attach to one’s natural gas stove, heater or whatever. With the proper fittings on one’s car, a person could even mosey on down the road. If you try this, be sure and take a spare tube with you since I have no idea how far you could mosey with a single tube. Now, while there are no governmental restrictions on what one can do out behind the barn, be forewarned that a much more sinister force could lying in wait just around the corner—your neighbors. I once knew a man who got a couple of pickup loads of chicken manure and spread it on his lawn. Then the unthinkable happened. It rained. And the manure started to smell—wet chicken manure can emit a horrible smell in case you are not familiar with it. The man in a goodwill gesture toward his neighbors suddenly disappeared for the weekend or maybe it was for several weeks. His neighbors were fit to be tied and probably would have lynched him from the nearest tree if they could have found him. Now here is where the goodwill part comes in. He did not want to see them spend the rest of their lives behind bars. Of course, it is quite probable that the judge would have ruled it justifiable homicide. At some point the man returned long enough to contact a realtor and place his house on the market.
Another approach to saving on gas costs is to burn strange substances in one’s gas tank. A few enterprising people have converted their cars to run on used cooking oil and have driven cross-country to demonstrate that the method does work. One company has started touting an alternative to biofuel. For less than $200 one can create a private gas station, for one’s personal use, of course. The car must have a diesel engine and a special filter to eliminate contaminants in the oil. It is also necessary to drop in a little additive to boost the octane rating. For a few dollars the company will show you how to locate an abundant supply of used cooking oil, which can be converted into automobile fuel for less than 50 cents per gallon. Now what the company does not tell you is that most restaurants have a cooking oil dump somewhere outback and that many of these operations already sell their waste product or have a contract to dispose of it. In fact there are reported cases of thieves who appear in the middle of the night to whisk away the “waste product.” However, there might be an easy way to get one’s hands on a free supply of used cooking oil. While the “free fuel” does not have contaminates, it does emit an odor—the odor of French fries, fish or whatever. Offer to drive around the neighborhood every day at a slack time for the restaurant and promise to spread the addictive aroma of French fries for several square blocks. You know, the subliminal touch. Cinemas used to flash an imperceptible image of popcorn on the screen in a mini-second to create an irresistible urge to head to the concession stand and buy three or four boxes of popcorn. These days it comes in a bucket the size of a wastebasket. The practice has since been banned. But these days, one could pick up a free supply of cooking oil and spread the subliminal message of “eat more French fries” and who would ever know that you are in cohoots with the restaurant. Or who knows? Maybe there is already someone in your neighborhood spreading that subliminal message. Maybe that is the secret behind all those supersize deals.
