Wednesday, January 03, 2007
The Real Poop!
Who did what and when is at the heart of all history. But who “Did What” and “When” may help determine one of the great historical debates. Who wrote the Dead Sea Scrolls? Were they written by a group of Jews in Jerusalem who were forced to flee for their lives or by a group of Essenes living in Qumran on the Dead Sea? A group of scholars came up with a novel way to settle the issue. They went hunting for a latrine. No, they were not that desperate, but to prove a point. The Essesnes were fastidious and had strict rules for cleanliness. If one had “to go,” the person must remove himself well beyond the range of olfactory senses. Our scholars scouted around and found a likely spot some nine minutes away from the area of habitation—a nice secluded spot behind some rocks. Now exactly why they stumbled on this particular area, I must leave it to your imagination. But they dug down a foot and found what appeared to be ancient poop. Why they dug down this far, I don’t know—maybe it was their scout training. But in any event whether by design or accident they found a large sample that they ferreted off to a French paleo-parasitologist who confirmed that the sample contained parasites found only in humans. In other words, they were not dealing with camel poop. So our group of imaginative academics have found irrefutable poop that the Essenes actually wrote the Dead Sea Scrolls.
But one question remains unanswered. Scholars had already found a toilet inside the city of Qumran. Since that was the case, why would anyone walk nine minutes to do “his thing?” Our excavators have argued that this toilet must have been reserved strictly for emergencies.
But who actually invented the half-moon outhouse and when? Certainly they were in use during the colonial period of US history. At that time they were called “necessary houses.” And there were strict codes of conduct in effect at that time. Never walk too close to a neighbor’s window after dark. To do so was to risk being soaked, if you know what I mean. There was a major difference between “necessary” and “inconvenient” and the darker and colder it became the more “inconvenient” things became. A lady in Georgia has started a small collection of antique outhouses. But she has apparently violated some of the first laws of anthropology. She removed the buildings from their historical settings without taking the “necessary” samples needed to put them in the proper context.
The flush toilet is another matter. Everyone knows that Thomas Crapper invented the gizmo. The only thing is that he really did not. Credit is now being given to Sir John Harington in 1596. Of course that is now in dispute as well. The Chinese have recently announced the discovery of a 2,000-year-old toilet in a royal tomb from Han Dynasty.
OK. There is one last question to be dealt with. Did the 1984 Super Bowl really contribute to the breaking of a 16-inch water main in Salt Lake City? The naysayers say absolutely not. They argue that the water pipes there are old and are always breaking. They also note that not everyone would need to go to the bathroom at the same time—Super Bowl or no Super Bowl. Not everyone would need to go every fifteen minutes. Are they aware that the time lag between a 32-ounce coke and the bathroom is a mere fifteen minutes? Now what would be the lag time for a group of men downing beer after beer? Have the critics ever tried to make it to the john during the half time of a major football game in a stadium? Have they ever come face to face with a group of women who have “commandeered” a bathroom in the name of equity? Ah yes, desperate housewives!
Who did what and when is at the heart of all history. But who “Did What” and “When” may help determine one of the great historical debates. Who wrote the Dead Sea Scrolls? Were they written by a group of Jews in Jerusalem who were forced to flee for their lives or by a group of Essenes living in Qumran on the Dead Sea? A group of scholars came up with a novel way to settle the issue. They went hunting for a latrine. No, they were not that desperate, but to prove a point. The Essesnes were fastidious and had strict rules for cleanliness. If one had “to go,” the person must remove himself well beyond the range of olfactory senses. Our scholars scouted around and found a likely spot some nine minutes away from the area of habitation—a nice secluded spot behind some rocks. Now exactly why they stumbled on this particular area, I must leave it to your imagination. But they dug down a foot and found what appeared to be ancient poop. Why they dug down this far, I don’t know—maybe it was their scout training. But in any event whether by design or accident they found a large sample that they ferreted off to a French paleo-parasitologist who confirmed that the sample contained parasites found only in humans. In other words, they were not dealing with camel poop. So our group of imaginative academics have found irrefutable poop that the Essenes actually wrote the Dead Sea Scrolls.
But one question remains unanswered. Scholars had already found a toilet inside the city of Qumran. Since that was the case, why would anyone walk nine minutes to do “his thing?” Our excavators have argued that this toilet must have been reserved strictly for emergencies.
But who actually invented the half-moon outhouse and when? Certainly they were in use during the colonial period of US history. At that time they were called “necessary houses.” And there were strict codes of conduct in effect at that time. Never walk too close to a neighbor’s window after dark. To do so was to risk being soaked, if you know what I mean. There was a major difference between “necessary” and “inconvenient” and the darker and colder it became the more “inconvenient” things became. A lady in Georgia has started a small collection of antique outhouses. But she has apparently violated some of the first laws of anthropology. She removed the buildings from their historical settings without taking the “necessary” samples needed to put them in the proper context.
The flush toilet is another matter. Everyone knows that Thomas Crapper invented the gizmo. The only thing is that he really did not. Credit is now being given to Sir John Harington in 1596. Of course that is now in dispute as well. The Chinese have recently announced the discovery of a 2,000-year-old toilet in a royal tomb from Han Dynasty.
OK. There is one last question to be dealt with. Did the 1984 Super Bowl really contribute to the breaking of a 16-inch water main in Salt Lake City? The naysayers say absolutely not. They argue that the water pipes there are old and are always breaking. They also note that not everyone would need to go to the bathroom at the same time—Super Bowl or no Super Bowl. Not everyone would need to go every fifteen minutes. Are they aware that the time lag between a 32-ounce coke and the bathroom is a mere fifteen minutes? Now what would be the lag time for a group of men downing beer after beer? Have the critics ever tried to make it to the john during the half time of a major football game in a stadium? Have they ever come face to face with a group of women who have “commandeered” a bathroom in the name of equity? Ah yes, desperate housewives!
