Wednesday, May 16, 2007
Frog Pills: The Next Big Thing!
It seems like from the beginning of time, mankind has been in search of the super hero. Hercules had his seven chores. Odysseus turned down a chance for immortality and returned home to discover his wife surrounded by would-be suitors who were trying to convince Penelope that he was dead. Lacking supernatural powers and badly outnumbered, he threw a party and got his enemies dead drunk and then took their lives. Achilles was treated as a super hero only to be brought down by an arrow shot into the sky that with a little divine providence found its way into his heel. Siegfried went forth in medieval times to slay the dragon. I don’t know what powers he possessed, but dragons were soon a thing of the past.
A few super heroes emerged during Biblical times. David challenged Goliath with nothing but a slingshot, but won nevertheless. Mighty Samson struck fear into the hearts of his enemies until he suddenly was clipped of his power by, of all things, a haircut. Only when he was convinced that the source of his strength was not in his hair, did he bring down the temple.
Popeye waged an incessant struggle with Bluto, his arch nemesis. However, he prevailed only when he scarfed down his can of spinach. It makes one wonder why spinach consumption is so unpopular. And then there is everyone’s favorite hero, Superman. However, the man of steel had one significant shortcoming. He wilted whenever he came into contact with kryptonite of which Lex Luthor always had a plentiful supply. Did you ever wonder exactly if there really was something called kryptonite? Well in Superman Returns, we are provided a scientific analysis of the substance. It is sodium lithium boron silicate hydroxide. At least that is what is on the box that Luthor had stolen from the museum. Last week scientists announced that they had discovered a new mineral in Siberia—sodium lithium boron silicate hydroxide. I don’t know about all that other stuff, but lithium is the energy source of most of our laptop computer batteries. So Virginia, you see there really is kryptonite. And if there is kryptonite, then there must be a Superman to go with it.
Then there was the Incredible Hulk. He was green like the Green Giant. Maybe he had overdosed on spinach. And come to think of it. Maybe that is why there was a recent spinach recall. It would be a disaster to have a bunch of teens running around with super powers.
Now all of this brings us to a stunning conclusion—ED. You know when a guy is feeling frisky but has no frisk. So scientists came up with Viagra—a little green pill. I know what you are thinking. It is just another way to get people to eat their spinach. You think that it is just space food (in this case spinach) packed into a tiny little pill. If people knew that it really was compacted spinach, it would put the big pharmaceuticals out of business. So I won’t try to convince you that it is really spinach.
Since the Peruvians can’t afford the price of Viagra, they have their own solution. They have concocted a frog cocktail that supposedly works much like Viagra. Throw a frog, some maca root and a few other ingredients into a blender and then drink the whole shebang. It supposedly stings on the way down. Of course, it might be a little reflux on the way back up.
Now since I can’t afford Viagra and can’t stomach the idea of a frog cocktail, I have had to devise my own solution. The formula is ten cans of spinach every night right before I go to bed. I guarantee that it is fast working. Under the liability laws of our great country, I am forced to announce that spinach is a diuretic—a super diuretic. And boy does it work fast! And if you spend more than four hours in the bathroom, be sure and call your doctor. And tomorrow night cut back to only nine cans.
