Saturday, September 29, 2007
Pinkie Syndrome!
Since I developed this numbness in my fingers, I have had to make several adjustments to the way that I do things. Among the changes is the way that I hold the little finger on my left hand when I do certain things. When I drive I hold the pinkie in much the same way that a Southern Belle holds a teacup—the index finger through the handle and the pinkie extended at a 90-degree angle from the cup. It seems somewhat awkward but almost all Southern Belles have somehow mastered the art of drinking from the cup in what appears to be a rather cumbersome manner. Now I am certainly no Southern Belle but I have found this technique especially handy when driving a car as it prevents any undue pressure on the numb finger.
The only problem with this habit is that it can be easily misinterpreted. When the little finger is extended in the described fashion, an on-looker may confuse which finger he or she thinks that they may have seen protruding from the steering wheel. Therein lies the problem. One must not get so absorbed in one’s driving, that he forgets to turn this finger under at the sight of approaching danger. I think that you must know what I mean. But to be precise there is a real danger that an easily offended person might confuse the third digit with the little digit. After all if the other party sees a single finger extending from the steering wheel he might easily over-react. And if the other party happens to accost you, how will you convince him that he did not see what he thought he just saw.
Now to test this hypothesis try flipping off a burly sort at a street corner. When he comes barging toward you in an obvious rage, try explaining to him in 25 words or less because that is all that you are going to get that you have a nerve problem and that he was totally mistaken in what he thought he saw. Now if you manage to escape from this experiment unscathed then you can thank your lucky stars but if you find yourself counting stars in broad daylight then you can be assured that your logic failed to satisfy the easily offended party of the second part.
Meanwhile back in the relative safety of the car, the driver of the first part, which is I, must keep an ever-vigilant watch out for unreasonable travelers. There is not much danger from pedestrians as I can usually outrun them or at least put the pedal to the metal before they get close enough to take umbrage. However, the problem assumes a different dimension if the person of umbrage happens to be an officer of the law. Now I happened to meet such a distinguished individual (note the use of subtle logic here) just the other day when I was driving through Muleshoe, Texas. He pulled me over for speeding even thought I was not speeding. In fact I was driving12 to 15 miles under the speed that he said that I had been clocked by radar. I thought at first that he must have caught another car on his radar. Then I began thinking about my little pinkie. Did I have it extended Southern Belle style when he spotted me? Was that the real problem? I will never know for sure, but I did get off with just a warning.
The real problem would be if I were driving through Louisiana. Thirty-something years ago I came upon an accident. I stopped as any sane person would do and settled in for a long wait. Suddenly the local sheriff began waving his flashlight. I did not move. He then took a couple of steps toward me and began frantically waving his flashlight in the traditional mode of get that vehicle moving and I mean now. I eased down on the gas pedal and starting moving forward. He then charged the car and asked me what the @@**** I thought I was doing. I carefully explained that I thought that he had motioned me forward. He explained that he had done no such thing. Now I ask you if you had come to a dead stop and had been in such a position for five minutes and if you suddenly saw an officer of the law frantically waving a flashlight north and south instead of east and west, what you would conclude that he was trying to communicate? I guarantee that the last thing on your mind would be to think that he was thinking, “Get cracking and get up here so that I can test this unbreakable flashlight on your noggin. Now what do you think this official would have done, had he seen my little pinkie extended from the steering wheel? Travel insurance would not have come close to covering the damage that he could have inflicted. Now the only question left to be answered is just how common are community leaders of this type? The answer is fairly common. I knew one security officer who shot himself in the leg while practicing his quick-draw technique. I knew another person employed by the Secret Service who accidentally shot a hole in his wall. I also had a relative who found gainful employment as a state trooper. For several years I shuddered every time I saw the distinctive car with flashing lights on top. Had we actually reached Armageddon?
For the present I have tried to avoid any unnecessary driving. I have also entrusted most of the actual driving to me wife. But I am still keeping a vigilant eye out for our country’s finest. But whenever I do see a car with an ornament on top, I start thinking “Down boy, down!”
