Thursday, April 06, 2006
Too Short to French Kiss!
Bill Clinton was not the only head of state to have a bimbo problem—take the case of Napoleon.
He did not start out with a bimbo problem—it just happened. While he was a young officer, Napoleon was summoned by Paul Barras, one of the most, if not the most, influential men in France at the time, to a party. Barras, it seems, had a peculiar problem. He needed to ditch Marie-Josephe-Rose so that he could take up with her best friend. But, what could he do with Rose? He knew that Napoleon was bimbo deprived, so he told Rose to fawn all over the young officer. She did so to the great surprise of Napoleon. He was especially pleased since he was too short to French kiss. Barras asked him if he would be so kind as to take Rose off his hands. When Barras explained that Rose came with oodles of money, Napoleon accepted on the spot. After all, bimbos with oodles of money were hard to find in France at the time.
Marie-Josephe-Rose was everything that Napoleon could wish for in a bimbo. She was rich and six years his senior. And people in general thought Napoleon looked too young to be a man of any real importance, so he thought that if he were seen with an older woman that it might just help his career. Being rich certainly would not hurt either. Napoleon was probably also thinking of Julius Caesar, his own personal hero. While Caesar was proconsul of Gaul, i.e. France, the soldiers under his command nicknamed him, “the bald-headed adulterer.” Too many women—too little time. Some years later as he addressed the Roman Senate, a messenger rushed up to him and handed him a message. A senator thinking that he had proof of Caesar’s treason demanded that Julius read the note on the spot. Caesar refused. The Senator insisted again and again that he read the note then and there. When the session finally ended Caesar strolled over to the man and handed him the note to read. It was a love letter from the senator’s wife to Caesar. Napoleon was no Julius Caesar, but he had to start somewhere. “Josephine,” as Napoleon renamed Rose, was as good a starting point as any. Later, when Napoleon was named as the new head of the Army (French) of Northern Italy, he showed up to assume his command lugging along with him a portrait of Josephine. Back then there were no photographs, so lovers had to exchange portraits. Eventually, Josephine and Napoleon were married.
In 1803, Napoleon did a ceremonial makeover and had himself proclaimed French “Emperor.” This was a dangerous gambit on his part. After all, it had not been that many years since the French people had taken exception to all things royal. The disgruntled French citizens made their displeasure known by abolishing all playing cards with kings and queens on them, and then to make absolutely sure there was no misunderstanding of their intent, they sent Louis XVI and Marie Antoinette to the guillotine. They dotted the final “i” by renaming the queen bee the royal bee. Would Napoleon now tempt fate by crowning Josephine as his new empress? The best previous example would probably be Justinian who moved Theodora from the brothel to his bedchamber, raising a few hackles along the way. But, when he dared crown her as his empress there was an epidemic of cold shivers that ran up the spines of quite a number of sanctimonious orthodox priests. Subsequently, when a riot broke out in the sports stadium between the fans of the Greens and the Blues, they did not lift a finger to help poor Justinian.
At the Emperor ceremony when it came time for Napoleon to crown Josephine there were lots of queasy stomachs including the one of Napoleon himself. Everyone watched to see if he would really go through with it. He first placed the crown too high on her head, and then removed it. After a few seconds he planted it firmly on her head. For better or worse she was now the Empress of France.
Almost immediately the two of them were beset by a new problem. The Emperor would need an heir. After a couple of years when no children were forthcoming, they began to quarrel over who was at fault. Josephine explained that she had two children already and that he had none. Ouch! A few years later, a bimbo informed him that he was about to be a father. "Say what?" “A father!” Napoleon immediately sensed that he might not be the problem after all. Napoleon suddenly began to think that Josephine might not be snooty enough to be an Empress. But where could Bonaparte find a suitable snooty royal? After making subtle inquires at the Russian court he decided to go straight to the top of snootery itself—the Habsburgs. He had reason to think that Francis I would listen. After all, it had only been a few years since he had busted the Austrian monarch from an emperor all the way down to a king. And if Francis should not be cooperative he could be busted all the way back down to a count if need be. First the divorce. Josephine was told of the necessity on November 30, 1809. Then a special emissary was sent to arrange matters with the Austrian Ambassador who was told to sign on the dotted line without consulting either Francis or Marie-Louise, the bride to be. Since the Austrian Ambassador knew whose jugular was on the line, he signed. And shortly thereafter the Austrian king who now knew whose jugular was now on the line also signed. Marie-Louise and Napoleon were married in a civil ceremony on March 11, 1810—only four months after the divorce from Josephine. In March, 1811, a son was born. At long last Napoleon’s bimbo problems were over and he could now get back to fighting battles. The next three years were not kind to Napoleon. First there was the crippling defeat on the frozen plains of Russia and Poland. Next there were the horrifying losses at Leipzig. And last of all there was the coup de grace of Waterloo. Maybe Napoleon should have stuck to bimbos.
Bill Clinton was not the only head of state to have a bimbo problem—take the case of Napoleon.
He did not start out with a bimbo problem—it just happened. While he was a young officer, Napoleon was summoned by Paul Barras, one of the most, if not the most, influential men in France at the time, to a party. Barras, it seems, had a peculiar problem. He needed to ditch Marie-Josephe-Rose so that he could take up with her best friend. But, what could he do with Rose? He knew that Napoleon was bimbo deprived, so he told Rose to fawn all over the young officer. She did so to the great surprise of Napoleon. He was especially pleased since he was too short to French kiss. Barras asked him if he would be so kind as to take Rose off his hands. When Barras explained that Rose came with oodles of money, Napoleon accepted on the spot. After all, bimbos with oodles of money were hard to find in France at the time.
Marie-Josephe-Rose was everything that Napoleon could wish for in a bimbo. She was rich and six years his senior. And people in general thought Napoleon looked too young to be a man of any real importance, so he thought that if he were seen with an older woman that it might just help his career. Being rich certainly would not hurt either. Napoleon was probably also thinking of Julius Caesar, his own personal hero. While Caesar was proconsul of Gaul, i.e. France, the soldiers under his command nicknamed him, “the bald-headed adulterer.” Too many women—too little time. Some years later as he addressed the Roman Senate, a messenger rushed up to him and handed him a message. A senator thinking that he had proof of Caesar’s treason demanded that Julius read the note on the spot. Caesar refused. The Senator insisted again and again that he read the note then and there. When the session finally ended Caesar strolled over to the man and handed him the note to read. It was a love letter from the senator’s wife to Caesar. Napoleon was no Julius Caesar, but he had to start somewhere. “Josephine,” as Napoleon renamed Rose, was as good a starting point as any. Later, when Napoleon was named as the new head of the Army (French) of Northern Italy, he showed up to assume his command lugging along with him a portrait of Josephine. Back then there were no photographs, so lovers had to exchange portraits. Eventually, Josephine and Napoleon were married.
In 1803, Napoleon did a ceremonial makeover and had himself proclaimed French “Emperor.” This was a dangerous gambit on his part. After all, it had not been that many years since the French people had taken exception to all things royal. The disgruntled French citizens made their displeasure known by abolishing all playing cards with kings and queens on them, and then to make absolutely sure there was no misunderstanding of their intent, they sent Louis XVI and Marie Antoinette to the guillotine. They dotted the final “i” by renaming the queen bee the royal bee. Would Napoleon now tempt fate by crowning Josephine as his new empress? The best previous example would probably be Justinian who moved Theodora from the brothel to his bedchamber, raising a few hackles along the way. But, when he dared crown her as his empress there was an epidemic of cold shivers that ran up the spines of quite a number of sanctimonious orthodox priests. Subsequently, when a riot broke out in the sports stadium between the fans of the Greens and the Blues, they did not lift a finger to help poor Justinian.
At the Emperor ceremony when it came time for Napoleon to crown Josephine there were lots of queasy stomachs including the one of Napoleon himself. Everyone watched to see if he would really go through with it. He first placed the crown too high on her head, and then removed it. After a few seconds he planted it firmly on her head. For better or worse she was now the Empress of France.
Almost immediately the two of them were beset by a new problem. The Emperor would need an heir. After a couple of years when no children were forthcoming, they began to quarrel over who was at fault. Josephine explained that she had two children already and that he had none. Ouch! A few years later, a bimbo informed him that he was about to be a father. "Say what?" “A father!” Napoleon immediately sensed that he might not be the problem after all. Napoleon suddenly began to think that Josephine might not be snooty enough to be an Empress. But where could Bonaparte find a suitable snooty royal? After making subtle inquires at the Russian court he decided to go straight to the top of snootery itself—the Habsburgs. He had reason to think that Francis I would listen. After all, it had only been a few years since he had busted the Austrian monarch from an emperor all the way down to a king. And if Francis should not be cooperative he could be busted all the way back down to a count if need be. First the divorce. Josephine was told of the necessity on November 30, 1809. Then a special emissary was sent to arrange matters with the Austrian Ambassador who was told to sign on the dotted line without consulting either Francis or Marie-Louise, the bride to be. Since the Austrian Ambassador knew whose jugular was on the line, he signed. And shortly thereafter the Austrian king who now knew whose jugular was now on the line also signed. Marie-Louise and Napoleon were married in a civil ceremony on March 11, 1810—only four months after the divorce from Josephine. In March, 1811, a son was born. At long last Napoleon’s bimbo problems were over and he could now get back to fighting battles. The next three years were not kind to Napoleon. First there was the crippling defeat on the frozen plains of Russia and Poland. Next there were the horrifying losses at Leipzig. And last of all there was the coup de grace of Waterloo. Maybe Napoleon should have stuck to bimbos.
